It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
