Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
