So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
