My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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