I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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