my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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