this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
