i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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