He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
