What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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