hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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