I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
