its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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