I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
