Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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