the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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