i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
