It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
