i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You left your phone here
Wait...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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