It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They took my balls.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
