I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
