Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
