i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
