The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
