I looked at my own cervix.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
