A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
