Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
