From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
