can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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