I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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