I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
