what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
