he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
