just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
