If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
