I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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