Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
