Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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