Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
