I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
