My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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