walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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