I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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