i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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