Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
