God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
