I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
