she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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