At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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