He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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