The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
