i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
