I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
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Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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