you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
