Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
