I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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