So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
