somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
